Ten.

Every year I assume this will get easier yet it never does. I guess as time goes on you get used to it more, it becomes more bearable day to day but then every so often it slams you in the chest like a bag of steel and the realisation you will grieve forever becomes more real than surreal. You live in this little bubble of trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the pain and the hurt and the anger. My god, the anger. The bubble pops every now and again. It used to be more frequent than it is now, but it feels like the bubble is bigger now, so the pop has more of an impact. It hurts more now, as the days turn into months and then into years and you imagine how you would be living your life if it didn’t happen. You wonder how they’d look, if they still laughed the same and if they’d smell differently. You wonder if they knew how much we loved them, if they knew we would do absolutely anything and everything for them. Did we tell them enough, show them we cared?

You’re one less seat at the table, one less laughter to hear, one less drink to buy on a round at the pub, one less hug, one less late night phone call. You think to yourself what would I give to have one last chat. What price is there to pay. What would I even say? Every year that passes we’re one year less of you. Missing you, craving your presence.

10 years of not having a sister to love and laugh with, cry and argue with, share tales and tribulations with. 10 years of life we’ve all missed out on with her. 10 years of missed memories. No matter how positive I try to be, I just can’t be. I can’t feel anything positive about any of this. I’m not sure I will ever feel content about it, I think it will forever zap the life out of me whenever I think or talk about it. I take a heavy breath and my entire body flops, will that ever change? I don’t think it will.

April is really fucking hard. For all of us. The time of year when the flowers start to appear, lambs are bounding through the fields and the sun shines. Ironic really, watching all his new life form year in and year out and we’re grieving for a loss of life instead.  

10 whole years. God I miss her so much. I hope she knows. I hope she can see we’re all trying so hard to live a fulfilled life just for her. I hope she can see how much we miss and adore her.

Xxxx